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so, like, i'm in a bad spot.

broke, isolated and have zero friends, no work, and my tablet is dying.

i don't make friends easily. i'm sociophobic. it's hard for me to even leave the house two days a week. it drains the hell out of me. i like fresh air, but

i can barely even check out at a store. i'm not just shy. i mean, i was in middle school and high school, but i got worse, so actually thinking about doing anything other than stand there when people talk to me, looking someone in the face, or anything just actually churns my stomach and gives me a headache. i know nothing will happen, that's why its a phobia.

i'm looking for a good flea market so i can sell the jewelry and plush toys i make so i can get a few bucks.

but ive always had this weird neurological thing and i have an appointment with a neurologist in a couple more weeks, and ive promised that if she can't find anything, im committing myself.

i'm not doing too good.

My 9 year old tablet is now, well, dying.

I bought this thing before I even came out.

It's a Wacom Graphire 4, blue and beautiful with a minuscule active area, but it's served me well. It's been through a lot. Countless moving. The pen's been cracked for the better part of three years. The grip finally crumbled to bits earlier this year after many years of trimming the stretching plastic and gluing it. I replaced it with felt and duct tape.

About two weeks ago, it started adding random dots and blotches to what I'd been doodling. For several months before, it hasn't been booting properly, which a full reboot usually fixes.

I, uh, don't know what I'm going to do without my oldest friend.

I tried to use a Bamboo Create and hated it. I've got my eye on an Intuos 5, but lack $230. I can't afford a scanner, either.

So, yeah. I've probably got about a month left before this thing dies completely. After that, no art. I don't like it.

Wait, it won't affect anyone other than me, since lolz no one knows I exist.
I was explaining to my wife last night:

People spiral. I freefall.

I'm caught in freefall again from a higher point than before. I'm going to hit the ground some day now.

I can't live in this house anymore. I just want to get a job, stop going to college, and be alone for a while. Everything's wearing me thin these days. I can't relax. I'm starting to think dangerous, psychotic thoughts and I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore.

attention

there is a gecko-thing in my appartment

it's pink/peach with bluish finger-things and tail. there's some yellow, too.

i was like, hey buddy, there are some ants in the house, little red ones.

and then it lunged off the wall in the direction i pointed

idfk i made a lizard friend that'll find its way back out into the world.

how the hell did it get in.
Today, I dropped one of my two classes.

I see my therapist Wednesday. She'll catch on eventually that I'm self destructive and whimsical to no end, and it always negatively impacts me.

I'm not so sure I should even try to be a therapist. I mean, I'm good. I know people and I'm great at figuring things out, helping people achieve clarity, and I do not really talk much (and when I do, people don't listen).

I went to the ER during an episode and they think, apparently, that I just need 600mg of Ibuprofen for my "headache." I only get headaches ~70% of the time. The rest of it, I don't know, it's messy and I'll talk another day, but there's something wrong with my brain. They did give me a CT scan, but nothing showed up because, hell even I know, I don't have a growth or anything, it's just my neurons misfiring and tripping out.

Well, they know I'm not on drugs (duh) and that I don't have meningitis (I got a vaccination five years ago, so it was incredibly unlikely to begin with).

But I have an appointment with a neurologist next month.


I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

YES YES A MILLION TIMES

BROS AND SISSSSSESSSS

MOMENTOUS HAPPENINGS ARE HAPPENING

I'm so fucking EXCITED FUCKING YES OH GOD I CANT EVEN

Six months ago, I began working on Adrift again. It's a comic I've been working on since I was an older teenager. I got into it again because I'm an idiot, and I had a couple of dumb, 4koma pages full of troll that I was going to throw into Lunar, but then

When I got back, I realized I lost interest in Lunar. I, uhm, was very depressed because I could not find my backup disc of all things Adrift. That's how long I hadn't worked on it -- wasn't even on this hard drive. I gave up on finding the disc some months ago.

But I decided to arrange my old paperwork. At the bottom of a bin, there were two discs, and I picked them up, checked through them, and in the pack with 3 cds jammed into a paper protector, it was there. IT WAS THERE.

COPYING EVERYTHING AT THE MINUTE.

JUST. I'M SO EXCITED. LIKE. TMI BUT IVE GOT A HARDON FROM THE EXCITE OH GOD

THESE DAYS ARE MAGICAL DAYS, FUCKING MAGICAL

i did cry a little too.

I'M SO FUCKING ELATED

Suddenly pidgeon

GIMP doodle ended up as a pidgeon.

i drew it in less than five minutes, shut the hell up. (Spatters are actually a freckles brush I made. Might post it one day.)

My wife likes it, so I'm posting it where she knows she can find it.



La Fea Mas Bella dvds

The entire 300 episode series of La Fea Mas Bella... I can only find the dvds of the poorly edited, sliced and diced series that's just over 15 hours. The dvd cut is... well, lacking over 200 hours.

Betty, La Fea is what it's based on, but honestly, I like LFMB a bit more.

So I'm looking for a dvd set of the complete series, or a torrent or something.

I've had no luck so far (over three years of looking). Anyone know?

I've found a couple of sites that, say, want me to pay for not knowing if they have it or not (te-lenovelas.com looks untrustworthy to begin with).
It dawned on me today:

I'm actually extremely angry at myself, and I lash out at my SO and roomie because I cannot cope with it.

I have zero actual accomplishments.

I have no friends -- even online.

I have no job.

I have absolutely no transportation to get said job or meet people.

I am 100% isolated and my wife's trying to tell me, hey, you can fix that, but I honestly DO NOT KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

At this point, being alone is basically all I know, and oh yeah, I'm such a great friend with uncontrollable rage issues AND borderline personality; yeah, that's exactly what EVERYONE wants a piece of.

And really, who the hell wants to know a short, ratty jackass that's only into art, science, and psychology? No one, because it's not "cool."

foreveralone.gif
Oh man I crack myself up.

Sister in law on the phone, talking to wife. Wife put the phone down to look up yarn or something

sister in law singing doot doo deet delu dooo and stuff
stare at phone

scream at top of lungs

I LIKE YOUR SONG

ermagad

i has found new thinger

I'm sick of having a netbook. It's good, but not... quite as powerful as I need. I've been looking for a pc with ridiculous specs, and ermagad i found it

amazing video card, like, more than 5x more capacity than this one's

8gigs of ram

fucking great processor

and TWO FUCKING TERABYTES OF SPACE not just one but TWO

BITCH

WTF AM I GOING TO DO WITH THAT SPACE IUNNO ILL FILL IT WITH PORN YES PORN

And it's not too damn expensive. Expensive for me right now because lulunemployed, but with a job, a grand is pretty FAAANNNNTASTIC


COMPUTER, WE COULD DO SO MANY GREAT THINGS TOGETHER WITHOUT LAG

LIKE KILL DRAGONS AND DRAW PORN AND WRITE WITHOUT CRASHING

AND I COULD GET A ENERGY STORING DEVICE SO IF THE POWER GOES OUT, YOU'D BE OKAY BRO

I WANT YOUR BAD YOUR BAD ROMANCE

WAIT WAIT I FORGOT I ALSO NEED A NEW TABLET BECAUSE THIS ONE IS NINE YEARS OLD AND STARTING TO FRAGGLEFRIBBLEDERP ON ME

MAYBE I WILL SAVE UP LIKE FIVE K AND DROP IT ON THE NEW PC AND GET A FUCKING CINTIQ!!!!!1111

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